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-2003-01-18 - 01:45
I realise I haven't added anything in quite some time. Things have been.....mixed of late. I spent another Christmas / New Years alone. Just like the previous three. However, I didn't feel the loneliness as keenly as in the past: I didn't notice it at all. Last New Years was kind of a cluster fuck. The ex and I were patchy (at best), and facing a parting. Things looked like they were kinda on their way to improving, and so she cancelled on plans that didn't involve me. Something happened, and those plans kinda rematerialised. Given how much I wanted things to work, and how happy I was that she was withdrawing from “other commitments”, it stung me a lot when she decided to go back to it. Not because she particularly wanted to, but just to get back at me. Up until earlier this week, things were fine. I was going to mentioned it, but I decided against it. (When I post here, I'm nearly always sipping on a Baileys listening to some downbeat music. I find that Baileys tends to suit the mood that I get in to post here.) I had two nightmares about the ex on Tuesday. I don't remember the content of the dreams, but I do remember facing her and my anxiety. I remember that I came off second best in that encounter. I realised at the end that I was dreaming, and forced myself awake. I settled down a bit, and went back to sleep. Another confrontation occurred in another dream, and this time we both were losers. I decided to get out of bed at that point. Aside from that, not much else to report. I might be heading home soon from this enforced exile, and it means I might have to face it for real. If things come to pass that I must meet her, I don't know what I'll do. I don't hate her, nor do I really love her anymore (something I don't believe I could have lost, as clichéd as that sounds). I do know her, however, and I realise that she can do precipitous things without considering consequence. I hope it never comes to that; where I have to make a choice of going against the love I once bore for her in the requirements of self preservation.
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